Mass and Service

I've been to a hand full of churches over the years: crazy conservative Baptist, nondenominational, Lutheran, and a couple others that I'm not really so sure what they are. Christian, but that's about it. That's why I was mildly excited about going to a Catholic service because it'd be a learning experience.

Rule 1: It's mass, dammit.

Sorry, I went to my first Catholic mass.

I enjoy watching Dane Cook's stand up, but now I get a lot more of the jokes. And a lot more Catholic mass jokes. I had once heard that the DMV moves considerably quicker than mass, and that's entirely possible. Fortunately, there's a random snack break in mass, but they're allowed to discriminate, and I just fell shy of the parameters. Damn. Wafer-O-Christ sounded interesting. I wonder if it's honey flavored....

But back to Mass and new things I encountered:

1. The priests really do sing. That was cool.
   
2. There is a crap load (for you metric people, that's a shit ton) of dance moves and vocal responses. I must've missed every single one because people stood up, sat down, knelt, bowed their heads, made obscene hand gestures, and wished for peace on Earth before I'd figured out we'd moved on from snack time.
   
3. The priests are hilarious--I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say that, but they are. Apparently, there's the splash from God, where the priest and Co. grab buckets of water and spray people with it. They had these dipping rods and flicked water with them. The first few swings were the best because the priests hadn't quite gotten down how much of a flick was necessary, and so this one guy got absolutely drenched in a very nice looking suit. Personally, I think blessed water guns would be far more efficient and a hell of a lot cooler. How badass would it be for the priest to have a SuperSoaker water gun at mass?
   
4. Dress. Dress was an interesting. Why would you dress in a very nice outfit to kneel on the ground? But that's just crazy me again talking....
   
5. Babies. Why the hell are you bringing babies to mass? Can't you hire a babysitter? I understand you want to brai--I mean indoctrinate them young, but for my ears' sakes, can't you wait until they're old enough not to scream during the ENTIRE service? If I were responsible for concert ticket sales for the wind ensemble, I'd make student tickets $5 Arts Dollars, community members/ parents $4, and tickets for children under five $67 dollars...in quarters.... Canadian quarters minted between the years 1976-82. With this system, you could bring kids, but you'd have to really want those demonic bastards for them to have a seat. haha! Take that screaming children.
   
6. Smiling. Apparently in church, you don't smile. Being a non-Christian, I'm a very happy person and so was beaming... until some stern, austere woman glared at me as if I were being riotous (I wasn't). Oh, and speaking of appearances, I'm about to make some very broad observations. If you think I'm wrong, I don't care: the people who look the most involved are the men. They bow and nod and amen after every other word. The majority of women look pissed, possibly owing to the fact that they're trying to wrangle six kids--you know it's true; don't lie. Now the childless women were into it pretty deep, but have kid, will spend more time smothering junior so he doesn't scream while the priest is singing a verse or two.
   
7. Assault--yes, I said assault. If there was a cue, I missed it. All I knew was that the entire church rose and simultaneously began trying to shake my hand. Personally, I found it unwelcome and unsanitary. I don't want to shake their hands, and I don't care how dickish I sound. For all I know, that hand could've been anywhere, and now they want to shake my hand? HELL NO.
   

And so that I leave on a semi-positive note, the music was amazing. I love sacred music, even if I disagree with every word they sing in gorgeous tones and melodic chord progressions.